Salam alaikom,
This is a note about the importance of sisters involving their Walis during the marriage partner selection process. Afaf Matrimonials is a service that fully encorporates this principles. There are many reasons for this, which we will explain in this note inshallah.
Nowadays, most women want to vet the potential husband themselves, however, if you look into the Quran and Sunna, a woman should not be with a stranger alone/communicate with him where the shaytan interferes and causes an emotional attachment, which can lead to sin. Allah swt created men and women differently, with their own unique roles, duties and responsibilities and all for logical reasons.
Marriage is one of the most important contracts due to the fact that it signals the creation of a new family within society; the birth of new individuals into the world and the duties and responsibilities which fall unto each of the two partners. As a result of marriage being a contract between the two spouses as partners to the contract, the full consent of whom is deemed vital for the ratification to proceed, the Legislator; Allah, did not allow for the guardianship of the father of the bride or any one else to become one by which the guardian forces or compels the woman to marry to a man whom she does not want. Indeed Islam granted the woman full rights to accept or reject whomever proposes to her in marriage.
Since the woman, despite her Islamically granted independence, was always subject to the desires of the ill-hearted and evil opportunists; Islam decreed legislation which would maintain her rights and deter those whom carry ill-aims and desires. Therefore, Islam gave great importance to the approval of the woman's guardian in a manner which reflects the significance of the marriage contract. This also adds another dimension to the beautiful state of tranquility and love in which the entire family will find themselves, as the woman will remain on good terms with her parents or guardians, in contrast to what would happen if she went against their wish.
"No marriage contract can be concluded without the presence of a Wali. A Sultan (authority figure) can act as a Wali for those without one." Imam Ahmed, Hadith 1880 and Salih Al Jaami, Hadith 7556
The conditions of the wali are mentioned in the "Marriage FAQ section"
The one who does the contract on the woman’s behalf should be her wali, as Allaah addressed the walis with regard to marriage (interpretation of the meaning): “And marry those among you who are single…” [al-Noor 24:32] and because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who marries without the permission of her wali, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1021 and others; it is a saheeh hadeeth)
The Wali's responsibility is to vet the potential suitor himself before giving him permission to see his female relative. In the Middle East, for example, the correct marriage procedure is usually initiated via a family/friend recommendation. The brother's parents call the parents of the sister and the Wali of the sister will meet the one who is proposing before she gets to meet him. The brother's mother will meet the sister to ask her questions to see if she is a good potential wife for her son and vice versa. Her male relatives will then spend a week or so getting character and background references on him from other people, which is something that the Prophet saw recommended. Once both parties are happy with the brother/sister's background, family, religion and character they arrange a meeting, usually in the sister's house with her Wali present so the brother and sister can see each other to see if there is any connection/attraction. They can ask each other questions that will help them decide if this person is suitable. During this meeting, if the brother wishes to see the sister without hijab then it is permissible.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged the one who wants to get engaged to look at the woman to whom he wishes to propose. According to the hadeeth, “When any one of you proposes marriage to a woman, if he can look at that which will encourage him to go ahead and marry her, then let him do so.” (Abu Dawood, al-Nikaah, 2082; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 1832).
This hadith talks about the sister being able to uncover her hair, wearing fitting clothing to reveal her body shape and showing her ankles. The sister cannot however wear heavy makeup to make herself look different, wear hair extensions, false eyelashes and false nails or reveal her body in an non-modest way. Before the meeting, photos can be exchanged and if they do not like one another this meeting is cancelled and the next suitor is free to come along to avoid time wasting.
Once attraction has been established and everyone is happy, the Wali gives them permission to communicate to get to know each other more before proceeding to the marriage contract. If they wish to see each other the Wali is always present with them or the Wali may leave them to talk together with the door open so they are not completely alone.
Both the bride and groom should be pleased with one another, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:“No previously-married woman (widow or divorcee) may be married until she has been asked about her wishes (i.e., she should state clearly her wishes), and no virgin should be married until her permission has been asked (i.e., until she has agreed either in words or by remaining silent).” They asked, “O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given (because she will feel very shy)?” He said: “By her silence.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4741)
The benefits of this procedure are many.
1. It protects the sincerity of the brother, when he deals with a Wali he gains respect and makes it known that he isn't there to play and he is serious about marriage.
2. The families get involved to make sure everyone gets along and it creates a tight knit unit, as marriage brings together two families, so it's important they get to know each other too throughout this process.
3. Men are known to be the "hunters" and the women are the "hunted". It is not in a woman's nature to go out and search for a husband. Apart from it being very difficult to do this in a halal environment, women in general are emotional creatures and tend to make decisions with their hearts, whereas their Wali's would make sure that the brother is suitable for the sister from a financial point of view, social, background, family and by reputation. Most men can see in other men what women cannot and they do not have any emotional attachments to suitors (in most cases) so they can make clear and logical choices. If a woman falls in love with a man, she can be blind to a lot of things in him that she should be aware of. Men can usually tell if a man is not honest, genuine or there is something "not right" about him. This does not mean all women are naive and cannot choose properly/think logically, it's just safer for her Wali to do this job regardless.
4. When a sister gets to meet the potential suitor she can be at peace that her wali has already given his approval on all the important aspects of this brother that would make him a suitable life partner, sparing the sister a lot of hassle.
5. A sister can marry a man everyone approves of and is happy with and Islam greatly stresses on the approval of the Guardian. It's really nice when everyone in your family loves your husband/wife and are accepting of them. This can avoid so many problems and arguments.
6. A sister can cut to the chase, so instead of communicating for weeks, only to find he isn't the right man for her or falling in love and getting heartbroken when her Wali refuses to agree to her marrying him she can make a decision and avoid the hassle of getting into a relationship and falling into sin. This procedure eliminates the chances of a brother/sister falling into sin because there is constant Wali supervision, so the brother will respect that and won't mess her about, as he is being carefully watched.
7. This procedure gives the brother respect and the sister protection and dignity. The sister is honoured and is treated as a valuable asset to her family.
8. This procedure is more efficient in helping people get married and to maintain good family ties and long lasting marriages inshallah. One must not rush into getting married because most people who do end up getting divorced quickly, so it's important the family take their time to get to know the brother and sister and make sure that they are suitable for each other. This, in the future inshallah, will decrease the divorce rates, as people are choosing spouses properly and the Wali is there to make sure of that to the best of his ability.
9. This is the correct way according to the Quran and Sunna so you will be earning rewards and blessings inshallah by following this process.
10. By following this process you will avoid: time wasting, haram relationships, heartbreak, family arguments because they don't like the brother/sister, displeasing Allah and his Messenger, major sins and encouraging others to follow the same process (i.e. dating, online dating etc) amongst others.
So, as you can see there are many good points to getting the Wali involved. Islam is a logical religion and aims to protect women and give them their rights, as well as the men. This procedure also protects men, it helps them to get married in a more efficient way and keeps them away from sinning and dating women.
Afaf has been created to adopt this system. There is no contact between men and women on our site, the Wali details are passed onto the brother and the above process is recommended to take place. We have designed the profile form in detail so that most of the important questions are answered, so all that is left is the meeting to ensure compatibility (if the brother/sister wish to ask each other more questions not on the profile) and to see if there is attraction. We understand that many Wali's don't have the time to find suitable husbands for their female relatives, so we have created a platform for brothers and sisters to register their details to make the process easier for Wali's, which in turn will make it easier for people to get married inshallah the correct halal way.
We strongly urge Wali's to be understanding and reasonable when dealing with brothers. We all have to help each other walk the correct path in life to please Allah swt, so demanding high dowries and living expenses will defeat the purpose of this. Wali's need to appreciate the good brothers who call them up (because there is a great shortage of this these days) and accept them for their good character and religion. If the brother is able to look after a wife and home then alhamdulilah accept his efforts within his means.
“If there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are satisfied, then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you do not do so, fitnah and mischief will become widespread on earth.” Tirmidhi, 2/274
If a service is going to fall under the umbrella of "Islam" then it needs to be done properly to avoid confusion and misunderstandings, as we will be asked on the Day about anything we did under the name of Islam.
The Prophet saw mentioned that towards the end of time, only a handful of people will desire to follow the Quran and Sunna properly and we see it with this project. Most people turn away because it's too "strict" when it really isn't, it's by far the best way to find someone. Sisters and brothers are better off reassured that the other person isn't playing about because approaching a family for the hand of a sister is a serious issue. Also, sister's usually worry their male relatives won't know what their "type" is, so with Afaf a sister can search through profiles with her Wali and she can help him in choosing a potential suitor to meet.
Wali's need to fulfil their responsibilities towards the sisters in their families to help them get married. Brothers please don't let your sisters be vulnerable prey to the wolves out there on the streets, protect them as Allah will ask you about them. Afaf is here to make your lives easier inshallah, so please recommend this service to all the people you know seeking marriage so there is a large variety of potential spouses to choose from inshallah. Encourage your brothers and sisters to adopt this process and inshallah we will see many benefits from this service and fruitful marriages.
Jazakom Allah Khair
Afaf Matrimonials Admin Team